My Heart Breaks. Versi Broken English

Assalamualaikum. Salam aidiladha.

Dah lama rasanya tak menapak kat sini. Okay tipulah sangat kan padahal hari-hari aku ngintai blog ni tunggu masa je mata nak tumbuh ketumbit. WiFi connection di KMP serupa macam line hantu, deservable tapi unconnectable. Tu sebab jarang update. Maaf sebab biarkan blog ni serupa blog berhantu. Macam line internet KMP, berhantu.

It's semester holiday now. Tak ada apa yang lebih menggembirakan daripada duduk di rumah dengan family dan makan tidur makan tidur, ..berak. Okay cancel that. Aku sembelit sejak kebelakangan ni. Uhh SCRATCH THAT.

It was an awesome feeling to get back home after disastrous weeks of final exam. Jangan pelik kenapa tiba-tiba aku speaking ala-ala mat saleh. Aku tak reti speaking Telugu. Aku tengah sedih sebenarnya ni. Sedih sangat. I cried almost.. everyday. I tried hard not to make this entry nampak sedih, or pathetic. Aku tak nangis.

About a month before the final exam started, on one fine day my mug slipped out of my hand when I was about to wash it off, terus pecah and its pieces shattered on the floor. Like my heart was. It was my favourite. I almost cried at that moment but the tear just hold itself back as my heart beating abnormally, while my left eye been acting weirdo. I don't know why.

That's when my instinct told me to call home, and there at the end of the line I heard my Nenek's voice bergetar. She sounded so ill that it happen she caught fever for nearly a month ! I burst out in tear. That is heartbreaking no 1.

So sepanjang exam week aku tak call rumah, sebab aku takut nanti ternangis. Padahal aku dah tampal note kat meja study aku,

"IZZAH, BE STRONG. DO NOT CRY DO NOT STUMBLE.
MAY 4.00 FLAT IN YOUR HAND INSYAALLAH."

Puu. I cried a lot weh that week and kept getting worse resulting me having mood swing. Sekejap senyum. Sekejap masam. Sekejap gelak. And the next moment diam. Btw itu bukan ceritanya.

I got home on November 4th, sweet Friday morning. I smiled with happy thoughts of having fun chatting and enjoying the ultimate fun holiday with Nenek, but thing reversed upside down. Aku terlupa nenek tak sihat. Teruk betul. On that day dia memang nampak lemah sangat.

Nenek pernah kata, Izzah duduk Perlis nenek kat sini sorang-sorang.. Diam..je. Sebab takde kawan nak borak. Sunyi.. *Aku senyum. Tapi dalam hati nak menangis rasanya, Allah knows. Heartbreaking no 2.

Raya haji yang lepas, November 7th nenek buat korban lembu kat rumah. First time selama ni buat kat surau je. Aku jelaskan kat sini ya bukan nenek aku yang sembelih, jejaka-jejaka kampung aku yang buat semua. Dan pakcik-pakcik aku yang ganteng-ganteng. (Ah makan coklat tergigit bibir. Aku benci betullah.)

After the exhausting day (tapi aku tak penat, aku tak tolong), nenek jatuh sakit. Takde apa yang boleh aku gambarkan kesedihan tengok nenek takdapat tidur malam, meracau-racau cried out "Mak..mak.. mak..." and there's nothing I could do :'( Heartbreaking no 3.

I smiled less lately. I just know, by my perengus sense I reacted ignorantly to people around me. I am being cold. Kesian kawan-kawan aku. I'm sorry. If I had a chance to go back in time, I chose to continue to form 6 seating STAM exam (Sijil Tinggi Agama). By that time I might be closer to her, isi masa lapang nenek dengan conversation, bebelan, meal-time-together. She wouldn't feel lonely, sunyi. Dan mungkin tak jatuh sakit. Tapi tu semua kuasa Tuhan. Aku tak punya kuasa nak undo or redo the decision I've made by my own. Astaghfirullah siapalah aku kan.

By the time I've reached my thousand of words in this entry, my beloved Nenek is still sick. At night it is worse. Aku tanak nangis but the tear just volunteer itself untuk dikorbankan. Aku tak malu, aku nak mintak tolong, walaupun most of you tak kenal aku. Aku tak kenal kau. Tapi tolong, tolong doakan kesihatan nenek. Doakan kesejahteraan dia dunia akhirat. Doakan seperti mana aku mendoakan semua umat Islam, iaitu korang semua, saudara-saudara seagama aku.

On one night she told me a thing,

"Nenek risau.. Macamanalah nanti kalau nenek dah tak ada, Izzah tak sempat nak balik cuti. Kesiannya cucu nenek.." She cried.

And lately she sings a lot of old nasyid songs, Bila Izrail.. Datang memanggil.. Jasad terkujur.. di pembaringan. And the other one with similar message to this one. Keadaan bila manusia menghadapi kematian, sakaratulmaut. Dan kehidupan selepasnya, alam Barzakh.

Tears rolled down the cheeks.

Till the next entry insyaAllah, assalamualaikum.



2 wishes received:

  sri

November 11, 2011 at 6:08 PM

i had that moment, and im okay now. you can do it too! ganbatee! :D

  si pendek dan moody

November 11, 2011 at 11:31 PM

thanks kak sri , lama taknampak akak (:

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